Fabulous Las Vegas

We just returned from a trip to Las Vegas (exhausted sigh). This is our 4th time to Las Vegas and while there are new buildings going up, new restaurants and clubs opening, and new showings playing every year, it’s still the same. There is a big convention for commercial retailers there every year so Bill goes and has meeting after meeting for several days and I spend my time at the pool or running around the city, checking things out. This can be dangerous for me as we all know I’m a processor by nature, and there is a ton to process in that city. Much to Bill’s dismay, I spent a lot of time processing again this year. I must admit that I LOVE the sun and warmth, even when it gets up to 100 degrees or more. It must be because I live in Michigan where a hot day is 85 degrees, and I miss the real heat of summer. I also love the food in Las Vegas. Whatever one could possibly crave is available there, often 24 hrs a day. It’s actually overwhelming to me and I find myself paralyzed with too many choices. Again, much to Bill’s dismay I am even more indecisive when we’re there. Having so many choices makes me think I might make the wrong one and therefore opt to not make any at all. I know, I’m a mess, but this is not the point. I also find myself in awe of the sheer determination it took for people to go to the middle of the desert and create what is now one of the most widely visited cities in the country. It’s not only a popular destination for Americans, but is most certainly a world-renown destination. The shopping options are beyond comprehension and I could spend days (literally) and still not hit every store. The entertainment is some of the best in the world as well, from what I understand. There are at least 100 shows to choose from on any given day, and most of them are amazing. We’ve seen several Cirque du Soleil shows in years past and this year got a chance to see The Lion King musical, which was fantastic. So many things to do and see there, it truly is amazing.


But…you knew there was a but, didn’t you? You had to know it was coming. For all the glamour and excitement, I’m always a little tormented when we go there.  As I walked this week, I processed what I saw around me. I saw what looked to be an underpass where some homeless people were finding shelter, shadowed by a multi-billion dollar resort. I passed signs that read such things as “Vanity Club – Sin Every Sunday Night”. I walked past countless “newspaper” machines that held catalogues of prostitutes categorized by their physical traits. I saw the faces of people that came to Las Vegas to take their chances at the betting tables or slots in hopes of striking it rich, and none of them looked even remotely happy. I listened to songs that sang of getting drunk and having sex with whoever was close enough to grab. I watched people spend their hard-earned money on things like strip clubs and overpriced drinks, sometimes at 7 or 8 in the morning. I talked with old men and women who were still up at 7am after a night of gambling and hard drinking, who thought I was crazy to be wearing a tank top, not realizing it was 85 degrees outside because they hadn’t left the casino in days. This is fabulous Las Vegas.

Bill and I go round and round every year about what I struggle with when we go there. I’m not going to rehash our discussion, but I will say a few things of what we determined. First, we aren’t angry with the people we see – the situation makes our hearts hurt. Second, God loves the people in Las Vegas.

I believe what gives us such a difficult time there is that the Spirit that lives inside us is in direct opposition to the spirits that are at work in Las Vegas. We’re not at war with the people, we’re at war with the spirit of the place. Lust is being sold in Las Vegas, and everyone’s buying. I struggle with it too when I’m there. I am told to eat whatever I want, drink whatever I want, have whatever I want, no matter the cost to me or anyone else. Indulgence is the name of the game – forget everything else. And sex is the number one seller. There was an interview on the news one night that was startling and a bit sickening. The man who owns The Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel outside the city limits, was commenting on how he believes they could cut down on illegal prostitution and human trafficking in the city limits. (I can barely think the phrase “human trafficking” without an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes.)  He made the statement, “Las Vegas used to be a gaming town with some sex in it. Las Vegas has become a sex town with some gaming in it.”

So what do we do? There were moments when I felt overwhelmed by it all and I just wanted to bury my head in my book and pretend like none of it was happening. And I will admit that’s what I did at times. But there were other moments when my heart was so heavy with the mess all around, that I did the only thing I knew to do – I prayed. I was reminded of the opportunity God has given me in prayer, to be a part of the solution instead of standing by shaking my finger at the problem or ignoring it all together. My judgment isn’t going to change anything, but my prayers can. He put in my heart the desire to pray for healing and restoration of the city. (He, after all, loves cities as He designed them and plans for us to live in one for eternity.) He encouraged me to pray for the local church, for power and wisdom to battle the spiritual darkness there. He helped me pray for a deeper sense of love for all the folks who are being misled, and even those who are doing the misleading. I felt peace as I was able to lift this burden to Him. He sees it and knows it and feels the pain of it every day. I only had to face it for 5 days.

I guess what I’m trying to say is as believers in the true God of the universe, it is not only our duty to pray for the dying world around us, it’s our right and privilege to do so. He has given us a way to care for the world even when we feel helpless and surrounded by hopelessness. I am a walking example what He can do in a hopeless situation, and I must remember that when faced with what seem to be dead ends in life. And if there ever was a place of dead ends, it’s Las Vegas.

God is still there, and He’s still in whatever situation you are facing today that seems hopeless to you. So pray. And when you’re done praying, pray again, and again, and again until the peace of Jesus settles in, removing the darkness and bringing the light. Everything looks different in the light of Jesus, even Las Vegas.

I’m not suggesting it will all change when you finally say “amen” – after all, there were hundreds more people arriving as we were leaving yesterday - but just knowing God is alive, even in a place like Las Vegas, is hope enough for today. It was enough for me to be able to have a good time while I was there, and that’s saying a lot!

some silence

the weight of fear
hangs heavy in some silence
dangling overhead like an anvil
ready to crush
these are the matters of the heart….
when the silence binds us to the post
and delivers its 40 lashes
when it overwhelms as a tidal wave
filling our wanting mouths
with the salty taste of bitterness
while the even tide of its fullness
goes out, and comes in
and we’re drowning in the foamy crash
of confusion, and in the depths
of the unknown
silence.

About Bill

So last week was my anniversary, and my post was more about an overall sense of what annversaries and relationships mean to me, but I never really gave Bill much time in the spotlight.  Since he is so very deserving of the spotlight, I thought it wise put it on him this week.

Who is Bill to me?  Besides my best friend....

- he is the one who sees me at my best and my worst and always thinks I am amazing - sometimes a bit silly, but still amazing
- he is the one who carries on conversations with me about topics like the definitive variations among subcultures and how varying subcultures do and don't relate to one another and the social and spiritual impact of such failures to relate...this is one we actually had last weekend
- he is the one who tells me when to settle down and get over myself, and rarely asks if it's "that time of the month"
- he is the one who listens to every single one of my songs and never tells me any are bad (although some of them are) and goes way beyond encouraging me in the good ones
- he is the one who gives me incredible gifts like studio time to record my songs that will most likely never be heard by anyone but the people we force to listen
- he is the one who laughs at me in moments he could be screaming, and gets me to laugh at myself
- he is the one who bends to carry the weight of our family burdens so I don't have to
- he is the one who will spend a Saturday afternoon hauling landscaping debris from one side of the yard to the other and let me sit on the patio and watch him, without making me feel guilty
- he is the one who will always give me an excuse to make chocolate chip cookies, and celebrates every bite with comments like, "These may possibly be the best cookies in the history of mankind" (he's been known to exaggerate a bit)
- he is the one who thinks I'm beautiful when I'm 20 lbs overweight or 20 lbs under
- he really doesn't care that I don't wear makeup (no, really)
- he is the voice of reason when I'm being unreasonable
- he is the voice of encouragement and confidence when I have none of my own
- he believes in me in ways I may never believe in myself, and he cheers me on to do all the things I don't believe I can do
- he stands with me through every storm, walks with me through every fire, wades with me through every flood, and runs with me when I'm able
- and when I don't have the strength to do any of these, he carries me, never once making me feel any less beautiful or amazing or strong

He is truly the beautiful and amazing and strong one, and I am so grateful to call him my husband, and my friend.

Anniversaries

Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. Bill and I committed ourselves to one another 13 years ago today and man has it been a wild ride since then. I think back to this day 13 years ago and am in awe of who we were compared to who we are today. Some of you reading this knew us then, some of you didn’t, but you’ve all probably heard stories along the way.  We sat on our patio last night after the boys went to bed, just talking and enjoying each other’s company, and realized that while we’ve been married 13 years we've  been together for almost 17. That’s just shy of half our lives. We’ve spent almost half our lives as a couple. What a wild thought. It’s not that we didn’t know these numbers; we just don’t have time to reflect on them most days so it’s nice to have an anniversary to do just that – reflect. I guess that’s what anniversaries are about, reflecting on the ups and downs of whatever relationship celebrated. But our anniversary always falls around mother’s day, which adds another element all together. Another anniversary of sorts - an opportunity to reflect on the relationship of a mother. So I was standing in church yesterday singing songs of worship and praise, and suddenly became overwhelmed with gratitude once again. The line that struck me was “You are the God who saves us/worthy of all our praises” and it hit me like a ton of bricks – He saved me, and all my relationships with me. I know that seems very elementary to many, but I stood there with my boys on either side of me, holding Bill’s hand, 13 years after we said, “I do” and I was overcome once again by the transforming power of Jesus in my life. 13 years ago I couldn’t even step foot in a church without being so high I couldn’t see straight. I looked around and saw my family and friends and was struck with the reality that I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve these beautiful boys who are healthy and strong and call me Mom, I don’t deserve a husband who’s still madly in love with me after 17 years of craziness, I don’t deserve friends who love me in spite of my persistent craziness, I definitely don’t deserve the strong friendship I share with my mom, and I certainly don’t deserve a God who saved me from all of the mess I created– who saved me from myself.

But God, in His great love for me…

Overwhelmed can’t begin to describe my feeling in that moment.

God’s goodness is unbelievable, and yet here I am, 13 years later with a stronger marriage than ever, with a husband who truly thinks the world of me, with a better relationship to my mom than I ever thought possible, and with the gift of being Mom to beautiful Max and Charlie.

I wish I could take credit for these changes and blessings in my life, but I can’t. All I did was realize I was lost and reach out for the hand that had been so long reaching for me. That’s it, and now I have all sorts of anniversaries to celebrate.

Thank you, Bill, for 13 years of love and strength and security and fun. Thank you, Mom for a lifetime love and support and encouragement and forgiveness. Thank you, boys, for letting me be mom to you even when I stink at it. Thank you, friends, for seeing me through so many dark times and being the light-bearers in my life. And especially thank you, God, for your relentless pursuit and your everlasting love. You are the God who saves me, worthy of all my praises.

Lost in Translation

Moving straight in a
     circular world.
Drawing lines in sand
     as grains swirl around our planted feet.
Speaking directed words
     with little meaning.
Tumbling down the slope
     of confusion and identification,
Wanting to define with
     sharp edges and pointed paths,
All the while getting lost
     in the rounded borders,
Unable to find, to define,
     the beginning or end.

As blacks and whites
     turn to grays and greens and blues,
     hues of yellows and pinks and purples…
Get lost in the beauty,
     forget the horizon and looking instead
To the open sky.