Growing Hurts

Growing is a painful process. My boys sometimes come to me with pain in their legs and we attribute it to “growing pains”. I’m not certain such a thing exists, but it sounds like a reasonable explanation for unexplainable pain. When I was in rehab I experienced some physical growth that was not so healthy and it caused pain as well. The more weight I gained the further my skin had to stretch, and it hurt. I remember telling the other women that the insides of my thighs were burning and itching, and then I noticed red marks on them. (Don't be alarmed.) One of the older women laughed at me and said, “Those are stretch marks! Haven’t you ever had stretch marks?” I hadn’t, and I was horrified to find them growing on my inner thighs. I had the same uncomfortable sensation the last few weeks of both my pregnancies. As the little baby body grew inside my belly, it pushed and pushed, stretching my skin in such a way it felt like my skin would literally tear in two. The burning pain was unbearable at times and I scratched and rubbed and did everything I could think to do to alleviate it. After Charlie arrived and my stomach shrunk back to what was sort of its normal size (or its new normal), the evidence of growth was there in the form of extra skin. Growth had occurred, both for Charlie and me. His was good, mine not so much.
Good growth causes pain as well. Sometimes when I’m feeling especially motivated I go to the gym and put myself through an extremely rigorous workout. I push my body to its limits, until my muscles are shaking and I can barely walk out of the weight room. I know I’ve done well when my muscles are sore for days. What follows is a series of days when I can barely move without hurting in one or many areas, and I am pleased with this result. I have stretched and grown my muscles. The pain equates to changes in my body that will eventually be good. And while they don’t feel so good, I spend a lot of time stretching and rubbing the muscles, attempting to alleviate some of the pain.
Growing hurts. I’ve been getting stretched on the inside lately and it’s been rough at times. As I face certain fears and insecurities (of which there seem to be many) I am given a choice – face them and let myself be grown through the hurt, or run and take cover. The run and take cover thing is what I am used to doing, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore. Bill says I live in a dirty cloud (think of Pigpen) and I go around life with everything clouded by the dirt of self-doubt that surrounds me. I can’t see clearly the ways God wants to use me and the gifts He’s given me, so I just go around with this clouded sense of self and lack of confidence. I must admit I’ve been pretty content to be there, but apparently it’s time to come out and see some of the world in a new way – to see myself in a new way. Just saying it scares me on multiple levels. A friend just recently told me she has to talk her way into commitment. Say it enough times and you’ll be forced to do it. I wish I could just keep talking and the changes would happen. But alas, it is not so.
I’m trying to get out of my “dirty cloud”. I’m trying to grow past it or over it or through it but it is hard going. The clearer view is scary to me. What if I don’t really like what I see, or worse, what if other people don’t like what they see? I know it’s not supposed to matter but it still does. I’m still growing you know.
So this growing is happening and I’m feeling the sting of it. As parts of me stretch, I rub at them and try to make the pain a little less, but it’s just part of the process. No doubt I’ll come out of it with some extra "skin". I could try to do a little nip and tuck to get rid of it, but I think I’ll leave it as a reminder of where I’ve been, and the growing I've done.