Trains and Hearts

I wrote a song about a month or so ago. It’s about a train and my heart. No, it’s not a country song. It’s actually got a little Irish feel to it, most likely due to my continuous listening to Mumford & Sons (thank you very much, Shelby). Side note: my favorite song on their Sigh No More album is “Roll Away Your Stone”, in case you wanted to have a listen. But I was telling you about my song. So the idea behind it is there is the sound of this train going somewhere and it represents my hopes and dreams, whatever my hopes and dreams are, and their going away without me.

Another side note, for reference sake: There is a train track that runs right through the center of my hometown and Amtrak trains go speeding by several times a day. Ever since I was a little girl, I saw those trains whizzing through and longed to be on them. I knew they were headed for somewhere else other than the tiny town I lived in and I wanted to go anywhere else other than that tiny town. Many of them went to Philadelphia, a city that was very close but seemed too far away. The city always held an air of anticipation and excitement for me. People were living and breathing and experiencing life in the city. At any time of the day or night, activity was taking place and that was thrilling to me. Small town life was so mundane and boring. I wanted to be where the action was, and that was at the center of the city. So the trains went by, racing toward the epicenter of life and culture and passion, and I longed to be a passenger. But they didn’t stop in Christiana.

Back to the song. The end line of each verse is “Oh heart, won’t you please let me be?” I was rehearsing it in my head, trying to get a feel for a good tempo, what instruments could work in it, and other musical issues. I was singing it in the shower and instead of saying “Oh heart”, I kept saying “Oh God”. When I was writing it I almost made the last line say God instead of heart, but there was a little fear inside about writing that, so I left it “heart”. I’m not afraid God is going to smite me or something for telling Him to leave me alone; I think He has heard that from me before and I’m still here. What scared me was the thought, what if He does let me be?

What’s more interesting to me is that I apparently use God and my heart interchangeably in this context. A heart can represent lots of ideas. It’s a life-giving organ in the literal sense. It’s also what we’re told God wants, along with our mind, soul, and strength. I’ve been told since I was a child it’s what I give to Jesus to receive His gift of life (both here and later). So if I’m withholding, or ignoring, some part of my heart, is there some aspect of life being withheld from me? I know I’ve got eternal life – I’m not worried about that. I’m worried that if I keep parts of my heart subdued that God is trying to free, am I missing out on life He wants to give here and now? “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” I realize this does not mean material wealth and prosperity – those were never priorities for Jesus - but I do believe it refers to both eternal life as well as life today, tomorrow, and every day there is still breath in my body. What if I’m missing out on some of that life because I’m afraid?

I’m going to leave the song the way it is, with the word “heart” where it is. Hopefully every time I sing it, though, I’ll be reminded of the life I just might be missing when I tell my heart to shut up.